Changing Perspective

Thursday afternoon I saw my Plastic Surgeon, Dr. Lee.  I had a WONDERFUL visit with him.  He was very proud of the way my body was healing, said I only needed to have my right side filled to "catch up" to the left.  He even told me I was released to start playing tennis again!  Overall, it was positive, and when he left the room letting me know if his schedule worked, he was fine with completing the surgery before the end of 2019.  Bob and I were overjoyed. 

Then it was time for the fill.  He wanted to put 120 cc's in to even out my girls.  My nurse Taylor came in and brought a new NP with her.  Taylor wanted to show her my "shiny skin" because Chloe had never seen that.  Apparently, the shine is just because the epidermis is thin.  Dr. Lee had told us that happens during reconstruction because the dermis becomes thicker and the epidermis stretches.  That is normal.  Chloe did my fill, and at 60 cc's Taylor decided we were done.  She said I was just too tight, and if I really wanted I could come back next week to have another, but she didn't think I could tolerate all 120.  Her tone became one of concern, and she cautioned me to take it easy and watch for signs of my incision opening back up.  The positive visit I had with Dr. Lee took a really glum turn, and the worrying in me kicked in.  When she left to get me my pre-op instructions, Bob tried to reassure me, but I was already in panic mode.  We overheard a conversation with the NP and Dr. Lee, and he asked if they got all 120 in.  Taylor said no, my skin was just too thin, but he shook it off, not concerned at all.  I should have known then he wasn't concerned, and he is the Dr.  But I was in my head already. 

Friday late morning Maddie and I went shopping.  We enjoyed the day, just the two of us.  Near the end of our outing, Maddie encouraged me to try on a dress.  As I changed, we noticed some redness on my scar.  Panic set in, I had her take a picture and send it to Bob.  All I could see was my incision opening and this whole process being delayed again.  We drove home and I took to the couch, scrolling through message boards and googling, and worrying.  I spent ALL DAY Saturday on the couch.  Thankfully, it was a nice rainy morning, so it was easy.  Football kept me occupied, and I finished my book for book club.  Still, every thirty minutes checking to see if any changes were happening on my chest.  The redness remained, but was unchanged.  So, I did begin to relax a bit.

Sunday I woke in a great mood.  The sun was shining and although I hurt, I was happy.  As usual, we attended 10 AM mass.  Church always makes me happy.  This mass was no different.  As Fr. Luis began his homily, I lost myself in his message.  He was talking about how we are all pieces of a puzzle, and that puzzle can be very complex.  I started thinking in terms of mind mapping, something I do for work for the financial advisors I work for.  I began to categorize my family, God in the center, then each one of us complex with all the things we are involved in.  As I was busy creating in my head the intricate details for each of my children, Fr. Luis said, "what if we weren't complex at all?  What if there were only 2 puzzle pieces... God's world and Our World?  How much do we try to put into our world that should be in God's?"  Obviously, this was my interpretation of what he said.  But it hit me, I originally had surgery so I didn't have to wake up every day and wonder if today would be the day I would find out I had cancer.  Why on earth was I allowing myself to worry that my incision might open, when my doctor wasn't worried at all?  I can eat healthy, get plenty of rest and exercise, but only God can heal within.  So, with that, I let go.  I surrendered to Him, again.  I am no longer running to the mirror just in case.  I even did yoga this morning like Dr. Lee recommended!  I am making a mindset shift.  God will help me believe in the possibilities!  Oh, and surgery is being scheduled for November 27!  God willing, these rocks will be removed that day!!!

Friday I had my second to last fill. It was 6 weeks post surgery, and when I asked if I could start cardio exercise, the answer was YES!  Taking it slowly, I was able to now start light jogging again.  Music to my ears!  Because now I could SEE the light at the end of the tunnel, I felt brave enough to ask the big question:  How long do I wait between my last fill and my implant transfer?
The answer we received was not what we hoped.  My awesome nurse told me Dr. Lee had a hard 3 month rule from last fill to transfer.  Both Bob and I saw next years maximum out of pocket flash before our eyes.  I tried to focus on the positive:  I might be able to play tennis with my expanders now that I was going to have to wait longer and I was released to start some cardio.  And, it might be better on my body in the long run.  It was still hard to think it would spill over into 2020.
Then, I received a phone call from the scheduler.  My consultation with Dr. Lee wasn't going to be until December 19.  Two months away! Would they go ahead and schedule my surgery for the 3 months from my last fill or from December 19?  I took a deep breath and gave it to God, as I have been doing since September 6. 
We had a great weekend full of gifts from the Holy Spirit.  Maddie and I had the opportunity to attend the For King and Country concert courtesy of one the families she works with. The powerful evening performance of worship music continued to remind me that God is in charge, not me.  Sunday's homily at church was probably the most inspirational I have heard Fr. Steven. The homily was the story of the 10 lepers who Jesus healed, with only one returning to give thanks. His last words were something of the effect, "it's not magic, it's living your faith."  A beautiful reminder to me that when I see the Holy Spirit in my daily life, it is because I am living in God's presence.  Listening and talking with him.  So, these moments I am experiencing are coming from being in communion with Him.

This morning perhaps was the best gift of all.  Dr. Lee's office called.  An appointment has opened up on Thursday at 3:30.  They will do my fill and then my consultation with Dr. Lee.  God is so good!!!  I may have to wait until January still, but at least we see the progress!

Long time, long blog...

I have spent hours reading through other peoples blogs, immersing myself in their stories, finding similarities and differences, laughing and crying, and truly appreciating the unique story in everyone.  I debated whether to begin a new blog, as it has been 2 years since my last post and I wasn't sure my story was intended for my family blog. Then it dawned on me, my story IS my family story.  My journey has and will continue to impact the five of us.  And it is so important for my family, especially my children and possibly their children, to know my story.

In April of 2018, my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Our family had some history on my Dad's side of the family, but nothing really on record on my Moms, so we were quite surprised.  My sister has had quite the journey, her own story to tell.  But, through her cancer we discovered she has an inherited genetic mutation of the PALB2 sequence.  Because my father lost his sister to breast cancer, he pushed his testing to find out if he was the carrier.  He was not, which means it had to come from my moms side of the family.  This is where my journey begins.

In January of this year I met with the UF High Risk Genetic Department.  My genetic counselor went over what my sister's mutation meant for me.  You see, genetics are a 50-50 thing.  You either inherit or you don't.  And only about 5-10% of breast cancers are inherited.  At that appointment they took my blood to send to the Invitae lab for testing.  I anxiously left that appointment, wondering when the results would come back, and what that would mean for me.

January 29 started for me like most Tuesday mornings.  I was rushing around, getting everyone out the door, grabbing breakfast, and meeting my teammates to ride to our tennis match.  We were playing in Winter Park, so it was a busy morning.  We arrived at the courts, warmed up and were getting ready to start our matches when my phone rang.  I saw the number, and had to pick up.  My genetic counselor informed me that I had indeed tested positive for the mutation and I needed to make an appointment with the Oncologist Dr. Maroose, and her Nurse Practitioner Deb as soon as possible.  The phrase "and a moment came that stopped me on a dime" is perfect for how I felt.  I quickly composed myself, reminded myself I DON'T HAVE CANCER, and took the courts to play one of the best matches I have ever played.  I kept repeating to myself, "I am going to appreciate every shot and every moment on the courts while I can."  My partner and I won the match!   The overwhelming emotions I had channeled into my match took hold of me. As I told my tennis family the news, I let go and cried.

February 5 Bob and I met with the UF High Risk Genetic Team.  After going over my results with the genetic counselor, we met Dr. Maroose.  She is an Oncologist who heads up this amazing team.  We discussed options for my future.  As anticipated, she talked about surveillance, having regular MRI's and Mammograms in addition to my check ups.  She talked about vitamins, and other options.  Then, she strongly encouraged me to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy.  Big title for saying "you don't have cancer, but let's amputate to reduce your risk to less than 5%."  That was a lot to swallow.  She gave us the names of some breast surgeons and plastic surgeons she recommended, encouraging us to research and get back to her if we had any questions.  We left completely overwhelmed, but clung to the fact that I DIDN'T HAVE CANCER.

OVERWHELMED.  That is how I think I spent the spring.  I turned to God, not able to catch my breath when I thought of what lie ahead, trusting him to guide me.  I had my mammogram, and my MRI.  Both came back clear.  I made an appointment with the breast surgeon, Dr. Smith.  He was great, Maggie his nurse amazing.  With my list of Plastic surgeons, Maggie recommended Dr. Lee.  After our appointment, I waited for Dr. Lee's office to call to set up our appointment.  I continued to ask God for strength as I moved forward with the decision to have a preventative mastectomy.

I'll never forget when I met Dr. Lee.  After introducing each other and finding out a little about me, he said "If you didn't have a genetic mutation, I bet you wouldn't be here."  What an understatement.  I never thought I would find myself sitting in a chair at a plastic surgeons office talking about reconstruction from a mastectomy.  In my life, I never dreamed I would have  a boob job.  I honestly never even cared about my chest.  I never successfully breastfed my girls.  With Maddie, I felt like my breasts had failed me, not making enough milk to help her thrive.  With Carly, I hardly tried, for fear I would have the same troubles I did with Maddie.   With Jack, I wanted so badly to be able to provide him with the nourishment.  Even to the point of meeting with a lactation consultant who told me I had insufficient glandular production.  I was given a medicine to help produce more milk, but still had to supplement.  So, I already felt like the main reason women had breasts had already failed me.  No, Dr. Lee, I wouldn't have met you without this mutation.

Much happened between my first appointments and July.  Fear. More appointments.  High School Graduation and parties.  FSU orientation. Vacations. But the day finally arrived.  July 22.  We checked in and met with Dr. Smith prior to surgery.  Bob would see Dr. Lee, but I was not awake when they spoke.  Surgery took about 3 hours, all breast tissue was removed, and expanders were put in.  They both held 180cc's of saline, which as Dr. Lee said was a pretty good first fill.  I stayed overnight in the hospital under nurse surveillance, and was released to go home on the 23rd.  (As an aside, a good friend drove me home so Bob could take Maddie to have her wisdom teeth removed.  God love him, 2 patients at once!) My bed was set up on the couch so I was able to sleep in a reclined position.  My nurses were amazing, everyone stepped up to take care of Mom.  I slept, watched Netflix, and slept some more.  Bob changed my drains and made sure I took my meds, getting up in the night to make sure I took the antibiotics round the clock, helping me to the bathroom and giving me sponge baths.  I know it was tough on them, but they helped without much complaint.  

The details of the weeks following the 22nd are somewhat jumbled.  Partly because of meds, mostly because week after week we went to the doctor, waiting for incisions to heal.  We had new wound dressings, compression ace bandages, more antibiotics for 7 weeks, waiting for my body to show signs that we were moving in the right direction.  The onlya positive news we received in those first few weeks was from Dr. Smith, that pathology had come back and I DIDN'T HAVE BREAST CANCER.  Praise God!  Now I just needed my body to cooperate!

September 5 we went for yet again another incision check.  Deb the nurse practitioner was very concerned that she could see the alloderm, the cadaver skin they use to create the pocket for the future implant.  She told me we would need to go back into surgery as soon as possible to close my incision, but Dr. Lee was out of town so she would work with the scheduler to fit me in very soon.  I was bandaged up and re-wrapped in compression and sent home to wait for her call.   We were headed out of the elevator when Deb came flying down the stairs.  She asked if we would be open to another doctor in the practice doing the surgery sooner than later.  Of course, we said yes, wanting to move forward as soon as possible and knowing many of the doctors in this practice were referred to us at our very first appointment with Dr. Maroose.  Bob and I left a bit relieved, but nervous, and of course, I was devastated I was going to have to have surgery again.  We stopped for a quick late lunch on our way home.  After lunch, my phone rang.  It was the scheduler letting me know what time I needed to be at the hospital the next morning.  Dr. Pavri would be doing my surgery in Dr. Lee's place.  Looking back, I am grateful it was scheduled so quickly.  I really didn't have any time to think about it at all.  

September 6 we checked into the hospital.  As they checked me in and prepped me, I felt very relaxed.  I had been so concerned with healing and getting back to my normal life, I was forgetting that God was in control.  You see, I like my schedules and routines.  Nothing since the 22nd  of July was making me feel in control.  I couldn't lift my arms, I couldn't SHOWER.  I was just so frustrated.  But, that morning, I apologized to God for thinking I had any control over the situation, and surrendered to him.  And I was at peace.  Dr. Pavri came in and introduced herself, told me how she was going to proceed, and gave me complete confidence that everything would go well.  See what happens when we let God take over?  :)

Fast forward to today.  Yes, there are more details involved in the last 5 weeks.  But this post is long enough.  Tomorrow I will have my 3rd fill (Dr. Pavri had to take quite a bit of saline out of my expanders on the 6th to help ease the tension on my skin).  My incisions have healed and even the scars are starting to lighten.  Potentially next Friday will be my last fill, and then we will find out the next steps.  I am still ready to be back on the tennis courts and running again, but for now, I will be patient and trust God.  Hopefully the implant transfer happens this calendar year, but God will take care of the Billmans, so my faith is there.  

It is important for me now to share MY story.  I am ready to begin healing in ways not visible to the human eye.  I have found comfort and courage from other previvors like me.  Now I want to provide hope and maybe inspiration for other daughters, mothers or friends going through the same or similar journey as myself.

It's Friday! We almost survived the first week!

I read a quote that said "Don't think about what can happen in a month.  Don't think about what can happen in a year.  Just focus on the 24 hours in front of you and do what you can to get closer to where you want to be." This surely applies to my faith life, as my ultimate goal is to get to heaven so I strive daily to remember WHOSE I am, not who I am, and remember that the only opinion that matters is God's and I he loves me.  I am a goal setter, so I start every day (well most, some days I am just a hot mess!) with my goals for the day.  And, I am involved in so many different volunteer activities, I have to have big goals.  And as far as senior year goes, I think this is my mantra.  Focus on the 24 hours in front of me.  When I see the pictures on social media of my friends moving their kids into the dorm, I hyperventilate.  That is ONE year from today!  So I breathe, and remind myself to focus on today and don't think about one month or one year from now.

On my list of things to do, right at the top all week has been "Blog."  Well, obviously THAT didn't happen!  My goal is to try to take the time to save memories once a week.  Well, here it is 18 days later and I am finally making my second post in 5 years.  But as the saying goes, "Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other three tires because you got one flat."  So, I have changed the tire and on we go!

This week brought a myriad of emotions.  Monday was the first last day of public education for my baby girl.  This is still the little girl I see.

But the reality is she is no longer the 5 year old I sent to Kindergarten.  She is an almost 18 year old who has BIG dreams, and hopes.  

So, like it or not, she will be flying out of the nest in one year.  And it is my job to make sure she has the tools so she doesn't fall to the ground or come hide in the nest because the outside world is too scary.  But, there are still going to be tears.  Because I love these kids so much and I can't imagine them not being a daily part of my life.  

The first week of school has been great for all three kids.  Jack has the same teacher he had for 4th.  He comes home super motivated for homework, and gets it done without being told.  Although, he still hates to color in anything.  He had an assignment this week, "all about me" and he resisted adding color as much as he could!  As I write, he is buried in a book.  "Journey to the Center of the Earth."  He has had some great examples in his big sisters.  Makes me a proud mom.

Carly seems to be off to a great start, even met a group for a project yesterday at Starbucks.  Hopefully Junior year is the year she really learns the value in staying timely in her projects.  It sure would make her life easier.  She cracks me up, because even living in Florida, she refuses to carry an umbrella.  Her last class is in a portable, furthest from the front of the school.  So, WHEN it rains in the afternoon, she is soaked.  Perhaps she will learn someday.

Maddie has come home beaming every day.  She certainly is having a great year.  She has gotten to be on announcements because she is Senior Class President and they are designing t-shirts.  She is bummed because her vote for the back is see you 18ter  and sen18rs is winning.  They are both cute ideas and she is learning the important lesson in management.  It is not your way or the highway.  Sometimes others disagree with your opinion. Yesterday she was dress coded.

We had a good laugh.  I'm still not sure how athletic shorts are too short, but she may have had them hiked up.  I did get a message this morning from Carly that she had seen 5 cheerleaders butts already today.  Seems like a bit of a double standard to me.  But, oh well.  Today Maddie has arranged with the principal for Senior early release- her peers are super excited about that one.

Overall, the start of the school year seems to be a great one. We are so busy, I am trying to appreciate every single moment I can!   I can't believe we almost survived the first week!

I'm really okay, I'm just a mom of a senior!

Years ago, someone told me, "The days are long and the years are short."  At the time I had no idea what they meant.  I was so exhausted changing diapers, making dinner, working, driving too and from extracurricular activities, I couldn't possibly see the light at the end of the tunnel!
Now I get it.  Every song that even remotely mentions time slowing down breaks me down.  Brad Paisley sings "Last time for everything" and my mind starts thinking about all the lasts that are about to happen when school starts in 2 weeks.  Trace Adkins sings "You're gonna miss this" and I fast forward to next year at this time when we are moving her into a dorm and realize this year will be the last year we live under the same roof as a family of 5.And I absolutely cannot listen to Nichole Nordeman sing "Slow Down" without the tears streaming and my heart in my throat.  Where have the years gone?  How is it possible my oldest child will be 18 in two short months, and that in 2 weeks she will have her last first day of high school?  And then, I get a text like the one I just got.

This morning she was to take an SAT prep class from 8-3.  We registered at the end of last school year, and she was excited to take advantage of the opportunity, although a bit sleepy getting up this rainy Monday morning.  She was about 5 minutes late when she texted me at school she had arrived safely.  I assumed she would head straight to the class.  BUT, parking passes also are available starting today.  So, guess which she chose?  Of course, she is a teenager!  She wants prime parking her senior year!  So, she chose to get in line for her parking pass.  At 8:32 she sent this text. "I was going to just be a little late to the class, and get my parking pass, and at 8:29 Mrs. H came and said it's too late to come; I made a stupid choice momma."

My moment of reminiscing was jerked right back to reality.  She is still my little girl, still needs my coaching to help her make the right decisions, and she IS going to make mistakes.  Things could be worse, so for now I will take a deep breath and thank God for this opportunity to guide her decision making skills.

I want to remember all these moments so although it has been years since my last blog post, my goal this year is to keep up this blog, so that after the next 2 years of back to back senior years I will be able to cherish the emotions and the memories.  And, writing is like therapy to me.  So, if you care to follow my crazy roller coaster life, stay tuned!  There will be more to come!  And if you see me walking Fenway with tears in my eyes, Rascal Flats might be playing "My wish" and I'm really okay, I'm just the mom of a senior!

Girls cheer/tumble camp

Girls spent the week at cheer camp.  Boy were they sore!  But they actually earned a new respect for cheerleaders.  Carly still only wants to tumble, but we love the gym and the staff!!

Goal for the new year

Aside from all the usual resolutions, I have challenged myself to a major goal... learn to sew. I bought a sewing machine from Costco in November to help me learn. I have looked online, and viewed many youtube videos... Today, I successfully threaded a bobbin (didn't even know that was a requirement!), threaded my machine, and sewed two stiches!!! Look what a big girl I am!!