Thursday afternoon I saw my Plastic Surgeon, Dr. Lee. I had a WONDERFUL visit with him. He was very proud of the way my body was healing, said I only needed to have my right side filled to "catch up" to the left. He even told me I was released to start playing tennis again! Overall, it was positive, and when he left the room letting me know if his schedule worked, he was fine with completing the surgery before the end of 2019. Bob and I were overjoyed.
Then it was time for the fill. He wanted to put 120 cc's in to even out my girls. My nurse Taylor came in and brought a new NP with her. Taylor wanted to show her my "shiny skin" because Chloe had never seen that. Apparently, the shine is just because the epidermis is thin. Dr. Lee had told us that happens during reconstruction because the dermis becomes thicker and the epidermis stretches. That is normal. Chloe did my fill, and at 60 cc's Taylor decided we were done. She said I was just too tight, and if I really wanted I could come back next week to have another, but she didn't think I could tolerate all 120. Her tone became one of concern, and she cautioned me to take it easy and watch for signs of my incision opening back up. The positive visit I had with Dr. Lee took a really glum turn, and the worrying in me kicked in. When she left to get me my pre-op instructions, Bob tried to reassure me, but I was already in panic mode. We overheard a conversation with the NP and Dr. Lee, and he asked if they got all 120 in. Taylor said no, my skin was just too thin, but he shook it off, not concerned at all. I should have known then he wasn't concerned, and he is the Dr. But I was in my head already.
Friday late morning Maddie and I went shopping. We enjoyed the day, just the two of us. Near the end of our outing, Maddie encouraged me to try on a dress. As I changed, we noticed some redness on my scar. Panic set in, I had her take a picture and send it to Bob. All I could see was my incision opening and this whole process being delayed again. We drove home and I took to the couch, scrolling through message boards and googling, and worrying. I spent ALL DAY Saturday on the couch. Thankfully, it was a nice rainy morning, so it was easy. Football kept me occupied, and I finished my book for book club. Still, every thirty minutes checking to see if any changes were happening on my chest. The redness remained, but was unchanged. So, I did begin to relax a bit.
Sunday I woke in a great mood. The sun was shining and although I hurt, I was happy. As usual, we attended 10 AM mass. Church always makes me happy. This mass was no different. As Fr. Luis began his homily, I lost myself in his message. He was talking about how we are all pieces of a puzzle, and that puzzle can be very complex. I started thinking in terms of mind mapping, something I do for work for the financial advisors I work for. I began to categorize my family, God in the center, then each one of us complex with all the things we are involved in. As I was busy creating in my head the intricate details for each of my children, Fr. Luis said, "what if we weren't complex at all? What if there were only 2 puzzle pieces... God's world and Our World? How much do we try to put into our world that should be in God's?" Obviously, this was my interpretation of what he said. But it hit me, I originally had surgery so I didn't have to wake up every day and wonder if today would be the day I would find out I had cancer. Why on earth was I allowing myself to worry that my incision might open, when my doctor wasn't worried at all? I can eat healthy, get plenty of rest and exercise, but only God can heal within. So, with that, I let go. I surrendered to Him, again. I am no longer running to the mirror just in case. I even did yoga this morning like Dr. Lee recommended! I am making a mindset shift. God will help me believe in the possibilities! Oh, and surgery is being scheduled for November 27! God willing, these rocks will be removed that day!!!
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